A Llama Lion Starbucks Placenta Ironically Microwave Maltesers Story
by TheWhiteShadows
Summary: Ariana Jade Hufflington-Whitby has one goal in life: to meet her idols Dan Howell (danisnotonfire) and Phil Lester (amazingphil). "Whatever it takes," she reminds herself as she frantically tweets them, stalks their every move, and hangs out in Starbucks for hours at a time. After all, if it's phanfiction canon, it could happen to her too... Trigger warning: Poorly-executed parody.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, and welcome to a Dan and Phil fanfiction that's hopefully a little different from the usual ones...**

**This is (intended to be) a parody of certain aspects of the phandom, including general Tumblr fangirling and certain types of phanfiction. ****It's all fairly exaggerated and it's meant to be a light-hearted joke, OK? Please don't take offence.**

**Thank you to the lovely JustGoogleIt for beta-reading with such aplomb.**

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Chapter 1, in which we meet Ariana

Ariana Jade Hufflington-Whitby – aged sixteen and three-quarters – sat at her desk, staring angrily at her laptop. Her long, curly, immaculately styled honey-brown-with-blonde-tips hair cascaded down her back, and her eyes (deep blue like the ocean, but slightly green in the sunlight) were fixed on the familiar blue background of her favourite website, displayed on the screen of her almost-brand-new Mac. She scrolled down the page with growing irritation, watching yet more Tumblr posts appear.

_OMG I got tickets for SitC!1!1_

_Summer in the City is gonna be AWESOME_

_My fave youtubers all in one place omg the feels I can't_

_So happy rn, can't wait to see Dan and Phil :D_

On seeing the last one, she let out a shriek of rage and stood up from her desk. For Ariana – full-time Youtuber-stalker, professional Phan-shipper, and general all-round expert on everything Dan Howell and Phil Lester – had missed the deadline for tickets to Summer in the City. The biggest YouTube gathering in London and she wasn't going to be there. And all because she'd spent three days waiting outside Radio 1 for Dan and Phil. Not that it hadn't been a completely unproductive three days, of course, because she'd touched the building where they worked, and she'd seen a car that might have been theirs drive out of the heavily guarded gates, but still... Her big chance to meet them, and she'd blown it.

She glared at the full-size posters of her idols on her bedroom walls: Charlie, Tyler, Marcus, Caspar, Troye, Joey, Shane, Pewds, Alfie, Jack, Finn, Joe, Alex... The largest space, above her bed, was reserved for the holy gods of her existence: Dan and Phil themselves. Their side-swept hair and frozen smiles seemed to mock her as she stood there, silently fuming.

She walked out of her bedroom and into the lounge of the luxurious London apartment she shared with her friend Jess. Although originally from the US, they had moved to London a couple of years ago and now lived in a luxury apartment without their parents. There was no particular reason for this: it had just occurred. Neither of them questioned it – it was of course handy for potential encounters with certain YouTubers.

"OMG Jess I like totally can't rn!11!1" said Ariana, who was of course fluent in Tumblrtongue and rarely spoke in English.

"Don't worry, babe," Jess said comfortingly, knowing instantly what she was talking about. "We'll sneak you in somehow."

"Yh but my bbys are going to be there and I'm gonna miss out on all the pheels and what if something phan happens and I'm so angry rn and I can't," Ariana yelled, silvery tears building up in her beautiful blue eyes.

Jess didn't know what to say. She knew how important it was to her friend. The previous year, Ariana had had a full-scale mental breakdown on learning that Dan and Phil would not be attending VidCon.

Ariana shook back her hair (which was long, curly, immaculately styled, and honey-brown with blonde tips) and stormed into the kitchen. She needed some food to calm her nerves. She opened the fridge, which she knew contained varying quantities of Maltesers, homemade Dan-and-Phil-style brownies, ShakeAways (tailored specifically to Dan and Phil's requirements, of course), caramel macchiatos, and Nutella.

Ariana sat back down at her computer with a large bag of Maltesers. Clicking through the tabs open on the screen, she checked (in no particular order) Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Myspace, LinkedIn, YouTube and Tumblr again. Ariana had Dan and Phil's Facebook and Twitter feeds constantly open on her laptop, just in case they posted a location update. Tumblr was so she could check on what was happening in the phandom. Myspace was just because, well, Dan had Myspace once. LinkedIn... well, they had proper jobs now, so networking was important. And YouTube, obviously, was essential to have running at all times. It was one of Ariana's life goals to be the first like AND first comment on one of Dan's videos. She had already achieved this with Phil, however as it had only been a second channel video, she wasn't entirely sure if it counted.

She refreshed YouTube again. It had been three days, eight hours and twenty-eight minutes since Dan's last video and six days, twenty-one hours and four minutes since Phil's, and she was getting stressed.

Moments later, a gif of Dan eating a Malteser appeared on her Tumblr dash. Screaming hysterically, Ariana leapt up from her chair.

"OMG IT'S FATE!1!11! HE'S EATING MALTESERS AND SO AM I!11! MY OVARIES ARE EXPLODING!1! THE PHEELS!1!1!"

Jess came running into the room.

"Oh my god, Ariana, are you OK?" she asked in a suitably concerned voice, seeing her friend rolling around on the floor, clutching her stomach.

"ERMAGAHD MA OVEREEZ!" Ariana yelled (along with Tumblrtongue, she also spoke Meme).

"Here, have some more Maltesers," Jess said frantically, pouring them over her stricken friend. This usually worked in situations such as these. The chocolate-covered malt balls, infused with connotations of Dan Howell, had the powers to calm even the craziest phangirl.

Ariana sat up abruptly, looking chirpy once more. "I feel like Dan in one of his videos!" she said brightly. This thought had obviously cheered her up, because she got up gracefully, shook her long, curly, immaculately styled, honey-brown-with-blonde-tips hair behind her back and bounded back into the living room. Specifically, to the giant map on the wall showing the last known locations of Dan and Phil (the Radio 1 studios). It was a source of unending irritation to Ariana that they had still not found out the two boys' address.

That was the second most important thing on the list of things to do. The first was, of course, to meet Dan and Phil themselves. This occupied almost all of Ariana's waking moments, and quite a few of her sleeping ones as well.

In fact, she might have almost said that it was the sole focus of her existence.

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**Hope you enjoyed the first chapter! Please feel free to leave me a review telling me what you thought :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to my lovely reviewers :)**

**As this site's formatting doesn't allow the at sign, which is probably going to be used quite a lot in emails and tweets, I'm going to use (a) to represent it. I know it looks weird, but it's the best I can do.**

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Chapter 2, in which Ariana goes to Starbucks

"Jess, I think we should make today a Starbucks day, because, like, my psychic connection with them is telling me that they will probs make a stop in Starbucks today," Ariana stated, making a rare venture into passably normal English. The two girls often hung out in Starbucks because, at least according to the average phanfiction, Dan and Phil practically lived in Starbucks. However, just sitting there for up to twelve hours at a time could get slightly boring, so they usually spammed the boys with tweets and Facebook messages before starting a stakeout.

Ariana slid her iPhone (because that's what Dan and Phil had, evidently) out of her pocket and opened the Twitter app. Her account ((a)amazingarianaisnotonfire, in the beautiful tradition of ripping off YouTubers' usernames) had over 100,000 followers and was known in the phandom as one of the better phangirl feeds, which certainly came in handy when she was trying to influence the phandom. She typed in a couple of quick tweets:

_(a)danisnotonfire (a)amazingphil OMG guys, have u been to Starbucks recently? Because I totally think u should go today... #DanAndPhilShouldGoToStarbucks #TheOneNearRadio1Please_

_Hey internet! (haha, danisnotonfire reference!1!) To all my awesome amazingarianaisnotonfire fans, plz help me out by retweeting #DanAndPhilShouldGoToStarbucks #Thanks #LoveYouAll #LolI'mSoSociallyAwkward #SorryNotSorry_

Within half an hour, the hashtag #DanAndPhilShouldGoToStarbucks was trending worldwide, due to the awesome internet power of the Danosaurs and Phillions. It was therefore fairly unlikely that Dan and Phil would not see it. Preparation thus completed, Ariana and Jess set off for their intended location.

Ariana dressed to suit her slim-yet-curvy figure with tight black skinny jeans and a soft red checked shirt from Urban Outfitters, with a black danisnotonfire T-shirt (size eight) underneath, and battered blue Converse which she had had since she was thirteen. She had her long, curly, immaculately styled, honey-brown-with-blonde-tips hair pulled up into a messy bun. She didn't put on much makeup (she knew Dan and Phil liked the natural look) but she did wear concealer, primer, foundation, powder, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, eyebrow pencil, lipstick, lipgloss, lipliner, and lip balm. Jess wore a grey skater skirt which went down to her mid-thigh and a purple amazingphil T-shirt, with black pumps. She wore her hair in a ponytail and did her makeup identically to Ariana's.

They packed their standard Dan and Phil stalking kit: numerous cameras to take as many pictures of them as possible, GPS trackers to try to slip into their pockets, a long-lens telescope, a bag of Maltesers for emergency rations, and rope and duct tape (don't even ask). Everything was going well.

Then, as they approached to the Starbucks near to Radio 1, they realised that there was a large crowd of people standing outside. Predominantly made up of teenage girls, this crowd all seemed to be holding assorted stuffed lions and totoros, and rather a lot of posters. Posters which said such things as 'We love you Dan and Phil' and 'Phangirl 5ever' and 'Danosaurs RAWR' and 'Phil You're Amazing' and 'You Explode My Ovaries' and 'When is philisnotonfire 5 coming out?'.

It seemed that in all the excitement of subliminally-messaging Dan and Phil into visiting Starbucks, Ariana had forgotten that some of the other just-as-crazy members of the phandom might have had the same idea as she had. This was not good for Ariana's state of mental health.

"ASDFGHJKL OMFG WTF ARE THEY ALL DOING THERE?!1!1?!1! I AM SO ANGRY RN, FML!1!111" screamed Ariana.

"Quick, tweet that Dan and Phil are somewhere else," Jess suggested, seeing the flames of trauma flickering in her companion's deep blue eyes.

Ariana whipped out her phone and typed furiously. Within thirty seconds she had posted across all her social networks various versions of:

_OMG I JUST MET DAN AND PHIL IN PARIS, LIKE RITE NXT TO THE EIFFEL TOWER, OMG GUISE YOU SHOULD TOTALLY COME RN THEY'RE LIKE DOING A MEET UP FOR THE NEXT 6 HOURS OMFG TOTALLY PHANGIRLING RN_

The two girls watched in fascination as a wave of excitement slowly ran through the crowd of phangirls, as they realised the significance of Ariana's tweets and posts.

"Oh my god, they're actually all leaving," Jess whispered, as a girl ran past shouting "I need tickets on the Eurotunnel right now" into her phone.

Five minutes later, the cafe was almost empty. Success.

Ariana and Jess ordered caramel macchiatos (obviously) and sat down on their favourite sofa to wait.

And wait.

And wait.

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**Hope you enjoyed :)**

**I like reviews.**


	3. Chapter 3

**It's definition time! I'm confusing myself (and probably you) with some of the phandom-related words in this, so to clarify what I am using to mean what, here is a concise dictionary! (These are just my interpretations of words commonly used on YouTube/Tumblr/fanfiction sites, so they might not be canon definitions.)**

**Phan (proper noun)  
1. the pairing name for Dan and Phil (e.g. "I ship Phan") whether it's romantic or platonic  
2. a contraction of Dan and Phil (e.g. "Phan have a radio show")  
****This causes a lot of ambiguity but it basically means that there are two different definitions of all the other Phan-related words. This does get very confusing at times...**

**Phandom (noun)  
1. the (online) community of people that ship Phan  
2. the (online) community of people that like Dan and Phil**

**Phamily (noun)  
This is just a closer-knit version of the phandom, in both its definitions.**

**Phan (noun)  
1. someone that ships Phan  
2. someone that likes Dan and Phil**

**Phangirl (noun)  
1. someone that ships Phan  
2. someone that likes Dan and Phil  
The crucial distinction here is that phangirl (or phanboy, although there don't seem to be that many) has connotations of excited/crazy/obsessive behaviour.**

**Phanfiction (noun)  
1. fanfiction which ships Phan together  
2. fanfiction which involves Dan and Phil**

**Pheels (noun)  
1. feels relating to cute couple-y behaviour between Dan and Phil  
2. feels relating to Dan and Phil**

**Basically, it's all very confusing and you just have to try not to take anything literally as I may switch between meanings (sorry). Ariana also has a rather annoying habit of changing words beginning with f to words beginning with ph when she's speaking Tumblrtongue, so try not to read too much into that.**

**OK, now that's over... Let's get on with the story!**

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Chapter 3, in which Ariana attempts blackmail, coercion and theft

Ariana Jade Hufflington-Whitby woke up the next morning in a bad mood. Dan and Phil had not showed up at Starbucks after all, which was so unlikely that it was ridiculous. After all, where had the inspiration for all those I-met-Dan/Phil-in-Starbucks-when-he -spilled-his-caramel-macchiato-on-me phanfictions come from?

"I feel like it's a Dress Like Phil day today," she told herself, gazing longingly at her posters. She dressed quickly in tight-but-not-too-tight black skinny jeans and a red plaid shirt, which fit her curves exactly. It was the same one that Phil had. She finished her outfit with black Converse and left her long, curly, immaculately styled, honey-brown-with-blonde-tips hair hanging perfectly down her back. She sprayed herself with Paco Rabane 1 Million (Dan's scent, obviously), and sat down at her desk ready to begin the day's work.

She spent a few minutes updating all fifteen of her Tumblr blogs, as per her normal daily routine. Ariana ran two of the most-followed Dan and Phil blogs, a very popular Phan proof blog, a not-quite-as-popular Phan-is-not-real blog, separate Dan Howell and Phil Lester style blogs, separate Dan and Phil imagines blogs, a Fantastic Foursome blog, a Fantastic Foursome ships blog, as well as all five of the following daily blogs: haveimetdanhowellyet, amidanisnotonfireyet, isphillester27yet, same-gif-of-dan-howell-every-day, and same-gif-of-phil-lester-every-day.

She also updated her Facebook status (_So totally ready for another day trying to find Dan and Phil!_) and posted a new tweet (_ (a)danisnotonfire (a)amazingphil OMG smh I can't believe u didn't turn up at Starbucks yesterday *sad face*!1!1!11 Is this reel lyfe?!1!?1_).

It was hard work running a media empire, so she decided to go and get herself a breakfast of Country Crisp. Ariana used to eat other cereals, but there was just something about Country Crisp that she couldn't tear herself away from. Maybe it was the fact that Dan and Phil talked about it so much. She took her cereal back to her computer (she didn't want to leave the internet for too long, in case something happened) and sat there for a few minutes, eating and scrolling through Tumblr.

Those posts again.

_Summer in the City is going to be so amazing, omg I am gOING TO MEET DAN AND PHIL!_

_Who's excited for SitC then? #ILoveSitC_

_I feel so sorry for the people that didn't get tickets. Here, have a sad PJ._

Ariana ground her teeth together. How dare they rub it in her face? She was practically the most important person in the phandom, not counting Dan and Phil themselves. She should be going to Summer in the City, not these random peasants who had probably only been watching Dan and Phil for a couple of years.

It was a constant source of irritation to Ariana that despite her encyclopaedic knowledge of all things Dan and Phil, she had never actually met them. She had even gone to the extent of hiring a professional photo editor (she always had plenty of money, despite having no job) to produce photoshopped pictures of her with Dan and Phil. The phandom had seemed convinced, but she wouldn't be able to shake off the empty feeling inside until she met them for real.

Ariana knew she just had to get into Summer in the City, whatever it took.

"Jess!1!1" she called. "How morally opposed are you to a little bit of crime?"

Jess came into her room looking slightly concerned. "Ariana, I know you want to go to Summer in the City, but do you really think...?"

"YES FFS!11!1!1! IDGAF ABOUT BRAKING THE LORE!11!1!1! THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME JESS!11! IT'S LIEK...PHATE OR SUMTHING!11!1! I HAVE TO GO AND MEET DAN AND PHIL!1!1"

Jess took a step back, sensing that another Ariana meltdown was about to begin. "O-Okay..."

"And anyways, as I'm only like sixteen and three-quarters and an American girl living on her own in England, I won't be put in prison," Ariana explained patiently, having obviously thought this through quite thoroughly. (Coincidentally, she had also researched laws against stalking, harassment, and kidnapping, just in case – but that was another story.)

"Right," Ariana continued. "The chances of us getting into Summer in the City without tickets are literally the same as the chances of Dan uploading his next video on time, which is basically zero." Ariana switched seamlessly back into Tumblrtongue, "Dat boi literally never uploads on time!11!1"

(Ariana was in fact capable of normal speech but tended to slip into Tumblrtongue during times of excitement or great mental anguish. This code-switching could be disconcerting for normal humans, but for fellow internet dwellers such as Jess, it was fairly easy to decipher.)

Jess nodded in sympathy. "I know, right?"

"So we basically have three options," Ariana began. "One, steal tickets from someone. Two, blackmail or bribe someone into giving us their tickets. Three, forge tickets."

"Option three sounds too difficult, and option one is a bit too much like actual crime," Jess said. "But option two sounds promising. You know enough internet people that you should be able to convince someone to give you their tickets."

Ariana nodded thoughtfully. "That option's ma phavourite too. OMG I love ma phollowers!1! My sphere of internet influence does come in handy sometimes!11!1!"

And so it was that Operation Summer in the City began. By tracking the #summerinthecity tag on Twitter and Tumblr, the girls compiled a list of people that definitely had tickets to the Youtube gathering in London. They then cross-referenced it with a list of Ariana's Twitter followers. The final list, made up of those who also followed at least two of Ariana's Tumblr blogs, numbered around one hundred people.

The next step was to compose a message to send to these people. This unfortunately proved to be more difficult than they had imagined. After an hour, they had produced at least 30 drafts, but all had been rejected. Their attempts ranged from friendly(ish):

_Hi there! I heard that you had Summer in the City tickets and I'd really love you to send them to me!_

...to official:

_Summer in the City is cancelled. Please return your tickets to Ariana Jade Hufflington-Whitby as soon as possible._

...to threatening:

_Send me your tickets or you will die._

...to pleading:

_If you could donate your SitC tickets to Africa's starving children then I would love you forever. OK, they're for me but please please please I really need to go and see Dan and Phil._

Finally, after a couple more hours and some Facebook-stalking for inspiration, they settled on:

_Competition time! Ariana Jade Hufflington-Whitby, otherwise known as amazingarianaisnotonfire, is offering one lucky phollower the chance to meet her. Entry price: one pair of Summer in the City tickets. Tweet (a)amazingarianaisnotonfire to enter!_

"This one is, liek, perfect. OMG I s2g I'm such a total genius I can't even," smiled Ariana, conveniently forgetting that it was Jess who had suggested it.

Next, they went systematically through the list, sending private messages through Tumblr. Ariana was confident that there would be a flood of tweets coming in just as soon as people read her message.

However, four hours later, Ariana was growing increasingly agitated...

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**Thank you for reading and I would love to know what you think :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you to anyone that has reviewed - you make me happy :D **

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Chapter 4, in which Ariana has intense reactions to certain internet happenings

"Liek srsly tho Jess, lyke WTF is going on?" Ariana complained unhappily, having not received a single offer of Summer in the City tickets from her vast army of Twitter followers.

"Idek bby," Jess sighed, using Tumblrtongue in an attempt to soothe her distressed friend. "Why don't you go and watch some Dan videos to cheer yourself up?"

"That will just make me more depressed, jfc!11!1 WTF does nobody understand the pheels I'm having rn?!11?1!?"

"Have some Maltesers?" Jess suggested tentatively. Unfortunately, this had the wrong effect.

"ASDFGHJKL!1!11!1!" Ariana raged. "I'm liek so done with this stupid phandom anyway!1!1"

She stormed out of the lounge and into her bedroom, where she angrily stabbed at the power button on her Mac.

"I'll meet my bbys if it's the last tHING I DO," Ariana told herself defiantly as the computer booted up.

Opening up Tumblr, she began to scroll through the danisnotonfire tag. She glared at the occasional picture of a fan with Dan and Phil ("OMFG how dare they?!1!?1!?") and a screenshot of Dan tweeting someone back ("WTF that's so unfair!1!1!") before she reached a gif that she recognised as having been taken from one of the Super Amazing Project videos. (Ariana had watched all videos on the channels danisnotonfire, amazingphil, danisnotinteresting, lessamazingphil and superamazingproject – as well as any other videos on YouTube that featured her two idols – at least five times each. This meant that she was usually able to pinpoint exactly where a certain phrase, picture or gif came from.)

This two-second gif in particular showed Dan and Phil looking at each other while they laughed.

Ariana was almost instantly rolling around on the floor, tears streaming down her face.

"OMFG I CAN'T EVEN ASDFGHJKL!1!1!1!1!"

Jess came running in, fearing another meltdown. She was horrified to see Ariana writhing around on the floor, screaming "THE PHEELS!1!1!1!1! OMFG WTF TEH PHAN IZ REEL!1!1!11!1!1!11!1!11!11!"

"Ariana, stop!" Jess said urgently, dropping to the floor beside her stricken friend and trying to restrain her before she started knocking over the furniture.

"BUT TEH PHEEEEELZ!111!1!111!11!1!1!11!" Ariana wailed and promptly passed out.

Jess sighed – at least Ariana couldn't hurt herself or anyone else while she was out cold – and went over to the computer to see what had caused Ariana's extreme reaction.

She gasped as she saw the gif, but although it caused an intense emotional reaction in her (recognisable to any Phan-shipper) she was a little bit concerned for Ariana's mental health if that was all it took to set her off these days. The sooner Ariana got to meet Dan and Phil, the better.

Eventually Ariana came round, still sobbing but at least conscious. Jess got up from Ariana's desk chair, where she had just spent half an hour editing various Wikipedia pages relating to Dan and Phil, ready to console her friend. Unfortunately however, this action revealed the gif that had caused Ariana so much emotional trauma, still displayed in all its glory on the Mac screen.

Ariana let out a scream and fainted again. Jess rolled her eyes and quickly closed Tumblr before it caused Ariana's ovaries to explode. (That had happened once before – when Ariana watched the Valentine's Day video – and it hadn't been pretty.)

When Ariana came round for the second time, Jess was sitting in front of her with a bag of Maltesers.

"Here, have some Maltesers and come and have a look at what I edited on Wikipedia," Jess babbled, before Ariana could react to anything else Phan-related.

Munching self-pityingly on the Maltesers, Ariana shuffled over to look at the computer. It was a constant battle between certain obsessive members of the phandom and the rest of the Wikipedia-editing population to keep references to Dan and Phil in Wikipedia articles.

Ariana flicked through the tabs, looking at Jess's handiwork.

_The University of Manchester__ is a public research university in Manchester, England. It was formed in 2004 by the amalgamation of the __Victoria University of Manchester__ and the __University of Manchester Institute of Science and Technology AND THE INTERNET GOD THAT IS DAN HOWELL WENT THERE._

_The University of York__ (informally __York University__, or simply __York__, abbreviated as __Ebor.__ for post-nominals), is a research-intensive plate glass university located in the city of York, England AND IT'S WHERE AMAZINGPHIL STUDIED OMG._

_London__ is the capital city of England and the United Kingdom. London is the most populous region, urban zone and metropolitan area in the United Kingdom, with an estimated 8,308,369 residents TWO OF WHICH ARE DAN AND PHIL OMFG THE PHEELS._

"Teh pheels..." Ariana whispered, her lip quivering with fangirl emotions.

Unfortunately for Jess, what usually made Ariana very happy was too much for her currently-very-sensitive phangirl heart. And so it was that Ariana, predictably, passed out again.

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**This chapter was inspired by all you crazy people out there that spam Wikipedia with Phan :) my ****personal favourite is whenever the rave time song gets added...**

**I hope you enjoyed!**


	5. Chapter 5

**I've been horrendously busy over the last couple of weeks, so if you wanted regular updates then you probably came to the wrong fic. Sorry. Anyway, here is Chapter 5 and as always I hope you enjoy :)**

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Chapter 5, in which Ariana reads fanfiction

When Ariana Jade Hufflington-Whitby woke up, her room was dark. Peering at her custom-made Dan and Phil watch (it had cost a lot but it was so worth it), she realised with confusion that it was half past four in the morning.

She rolled over groggily, memories of the previous evening coming back to her. Something about a gif of Dan, and too many pheels, and... It was giving her heart palpitations just thinking about it.

She wanted to wake up Jess (who, being not as much of a hardcore Tumblr inhabitant, usually went to bed at the relatively early time of around 2 am) to phangirl with her, but decided that this would probably not please her friend greatly. It was so lonely being a hardcore Tumblr user: always up at 4 am when all the sad, normal people were asleep. (At this point Ariana conveniently forgot about all the other hardcore Tumblr users who were also online at 4 am, as well as the whole time zones thing.)

She needed to get her pheels somehow though, so she turned on her Mac and, while it was booting up, thought about what she wanted to read. It was always a difficult decision whether to read phanfiction or the many Dan Howell and Phil Lester imagines on Tumblr.

"Hmmm... I pheel liek phanfiction tonite," she said to herself.

It was a little-known fact among the members of the phandom that the notorious phanfictions – including the chair fic, the skin fic, the milk fic, the blood fic, the plum fic, the hat fic, the egg fic, and the tentacle fic – had all in fact been written by Ariana. She had (rather cunningly, she thought) posted them all under different usernames and on different websites so that nobody would be able to work out that most of the deranged phanfiction on the internet had all been written by one person.

Ariana was in fact a very prolific author in the phanfiction community. It was her aim to write at least one complete phanfiction every week, normally alternating between fluff, angst, and smut. The diversity of these was sometimes astonishing. She went from writing high school AU one week to writing NSFW hardcore smut the next, with a little 2007-style chat room dialogue in between. She sometimes even wrote poetry. She had written crossovers with Doctor Who, Supernatural, Sherlock, Harry Potter, Twilight, the Hunger Games, and all the rest of her many fandoms. She shipped Dan and Phil with each other, PJ, Chris, Charlie, Alex, Carrie, Joey, Shane, Alfie, Marcus, Zoe, Tyler, Troye, Caspar, Jack, Finn, Pewds, Jenna, Nyan Cat and even the sneezing panda. There was actually very little that Ariana had not written about when it came to Dan and Phil.

But tonight, Ariana felt like reading a good old staple Phan story, something sad but a little bit fluffy. She scrolled down the list of Dan and Phil fanfiction on a well-known website, noting with satisfaction that approximately every other story was one of hers. (However, she didn't usually read her own phanfiction as it made her so awed at the quality of her own writing that she usually passed out from the feels.) Seeing one she liked the look of, she clicked on 'We will always be togehter in our dreams *PHAN* sorry summery sucks', which was by a user called iwantdanandphilsbabiesomgplacentalol, and was labelled Angst.

_dan was so sad he felt like he would epxlode with sadness. Phil put his arm around the sad younger man. "don't cry my sad little danasaur" said the ebony haired man to the bronw haired man. Dan felt shining tears welling up in his chocolate brown eyes. "i love you bby" the chocolate-brown-eyed man said to his best friend phil. "i love you too" said the shorter man to the taller man. they kissed and looked deep into each others eyes, theyk new that there love was forever. (A/N: OMG u guise I am crying so hard rn asdfghjkl the pheels)_

"OMG that's liek so depressingly sad," Ariana sniffed to herself, tears brimming up in her ocean-blue-but-green-in-the-sunlight eyes and spilling over onto her perfectly smooth alabaster cheeks.

She reached for her iPhone and typed in a quick tweet:

_OMG reading phanfiction and havin so many pheels rn #stillontumblrat4am #yolo #ironicyoloobvs #hahalikedanisnotonfire #omgsosociallyawkward_

Reading phanfiction made Ariana even more determined (if that was even possible) to meet her idols. She clenched her fists under the desk, vowing that she would meet them if it was the last thing she did.

That night she dreamed of them – their beautiful faces swimming in a sea of llamas and galaxies.

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**Some disclaimers:**

**I chose the username iwantdanandphilsbabiesomgplacentalol partly because I hoped nobody would actually have that name, but I would just like to reassure you that I'm not accusing anyone of anything. That goes for any other usernames I use (more coming up). They're just for dramatic effect - I don't want to offend anyone - I just needed some names - please don't hurt me.**

**If you are the (potentially slightly disturbed?) author of any of the fanfictions that I mentioned by name, I am not trying to impinge on your, erm, creative genius, so please don't sue me. **

**If you are an innocent member of the phandom who has never read any of these, be warned: you may not enjoy the experience. I know that's just going to make you go and read them, but, really, know that they are fairly likely to scar you permanently. (I personally think they're hilarious, but maybe that's just me...)**

**OK, I think that's everything covered. Thank you for reading! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6, in which Ariana runs into trouble on Twitter

Ariana woke the next morning feeling refreshed but somewhat emotionally drained from all the pheels the night before. She got out of bed – her long, curly, honey-blonde-with-brown-tips hair somehow immaculately styled as usual – and wandered into the kitchen to find some Country Crisp. The girls now also ate Lion cereal, as Phil had mentioned it in one of his videos, but Country Crisp was the canon standard so that was their usual cereal of choice. Jess was sitting at the breakfast bar (they had to have a breakfast bar because Dan and Phil had one in the Manchester flat), on her laptop. She looked up as Ariana came in, a worried expression on her face.

"Good morning..." Jess said, somewhat warily.

"What?!1!?1? What's happened?!1?1!?1!?" Ariana yelped frantically, her mind jumping to conclusions. What could have happened on the internet whilst she had been asleep? Had Dan replied to her on Twitter? Had someone insulted Phil? Had a brand new gifset been posted in the phan tag? Had... OMG had Dan uploaded A NEW VIDEO?!

"Um... you should probably check your Twitter..." Jess replied, hesitantly. Ariana looked at her, getting extremely stressed as she realised that Jess would have been screaming with excitement had a new video or tweet been posted. That expression meant that something was wrong.

Ariana tugged Jess's laptop away from her and logged on to Twitter with lightning-fast fingers.

Then she saw it.

_(a)danandphilsnumberonefan tweeted:_

_OMG i love dan and pihl so much liek they are ma bbys, i cant wait to see them at summer in the city haha!1!_

and underneath:

_(a)danisntonfire retweeted this_

"HOW DARE SHE?!11!?1!" Ariana shrieked. "THIS IS SO UNFAIR WTF IS HAPPENING Y DID DAN REPLY TO HER WHEN HE NEVER REPLIES TO ME EVEN AFTER THAT TIME WHEN I TWEETED HIM 539 TIMES IN ONE DAY?!1!?1?!11?!111!1! I CAN'T EVEN!1!1!1!11!1!1! THEY ARE NOT HER BBYS HOW CAN SHE EVEN?!1!11!?1 AND HOW DARE SHE CALL HERSELF THEIR NUMBER ONE FAN?!1?1?!1?! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!1!1!11!11!11!1!1!1!"

"Ikr, she didn't even use enough 1s in her exclamation marks," Jess seethed quietly (1s in exclamation marks being the sign of a true fangirl, after all).

"THIS IS NOT OK I AM SO DONE RN!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!11!" Ariana shouted, incredibly angry at this anonymous member of the phandom. She pulled the laptop towards her and started typing furiously.

HOW DARE U TLAK ABOUT DAN AND PHIL LIEK THAT OMFG YOU ARE PROBS ONLY 12 AND YOU ONLY LYKE THEM FOR THEIR LOOKS AND I BET YOU DONT EVEN HAVE A

LLAMA HAT AND WTF THIS IS SOOO UNFAIR HOW DID YOU GET DAN TO RETWEET YOUR TWEET AND OMG SO ANGRY RN AND YOU CANT CALL THEM UR BBYS THEY ARE

MINE AND YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM TEHM BECAUSE I AM THEIR NUMBER ONE FAN OK AND NOBODY ELSE IS SO I HOPE YOU ARE ASHAMED OF URSELF RN JFC

OMG ASDGHJKL!1!1! LYFE IZ SO UNFARE RN ASDFGHJKL I CANT EVEN WTF IS THE PHANDOM COMING TO THESE DAZE OMFG JFC WTF #SOANGRYRN #WTF #ASDFGHJKL

Unfortunately the 140-character limit on Twitter meant that her rant had to be split up into parts, which rather ruined the effect. But Ariana was too angry to care.

"JFC, ALL I WANT IS FOR DAN TO RETWEET ME OR FAVOURITE MY TWEET OR FOLLOW ME OR MARRY ME, Y IZ THAT SO MUCH 2 ASK?!11!?1!?1?!1!?" she wailed with fury.

Jess patted her shoulder soothingly. Then she noticed something.

"Wait, Ariana..." Jess said slowly.

"WHAT?!1?!11?!1!? I AM ACTUALLY BUSY TRYING NOT TO DIE OF PHEELS RN JESS?!1!1!?"

"Look again at the person who retweeted it..."

Ariana looked.

Unfortunately, the common phangirl habit of using very similar usernames to Dan and Phil had fooled her once again. The person retweeting that dreadful tweet was in fact not danisnotonfire, but danisntonfire. That key difference of 'o' meant that she had mistaken some random phangirl for Dan, and there was not much that Ariana hated more than getting things wrong in the phandom.

Ariana swelled up with fury. This had happened to her before...

******flashback******

Ariana was sitting at her desk on Tumblr, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter (all at the same time, as per usual) when a notification popped up.

_(a)danisn0tonfire is following you on Twitter_

She leapt up in shock and amazement, squealing like a true phangirl.

"OMGOMGOMG!11!1!1!1!1! OMFG JESS, DAN IS FOLLOWING ME ON..."

Reading the notification again, the realisation dawned on her.

******end of flashback******

The pheels were too much. Ariana passed out. Again.

* * *

**I'm not implying anything about those particular Twitter handles; I just needed some similar-looking names to danisnotonfire. Please don't take offence :)**

**I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and New Year (and if you don't celebrate them then I hope you have a good couple of weeks anyway)! **


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